Exactly two hundred years ago a week from next Thursday, American forces made their one and only invasion of the Great White North and briefly occupied parts of Canada during the War of 1812. Though many American students never learned that fact, it is a story never omitted by Canadian history teachers. Eons later (that’s centuries to you and me), the Canadians have hatched plans to return serve and invade New England. And it all begins in just 7 days.
Milos Raonic, Vasek Pospisil and Frank Dancevic begin their assault on the strategic seaport of Newport, Rhode Island next week at the Campbell’s Hall of Fame Championships. Although they represent only 3 of the 28 men in the field of battle, they will be spread throughout the draw to avoid detection from US Admiral Sam Querrey and, in being so embedded, plan to pick off American seeds from multiple garrisons.
The Yanks newest high-tech weaponry is housed inside of Admiral Querrey. He has been victorious in campaigns against both Raonic and Pospisil in the last week at Wimbledon near the North Sea. The American forces consist of Admirals Querrey and Isner, along with Commodores Michael Russell, Donald Young, Rajeev Ram, Jesse Levine and Ensign Jack Sock. Commodore Levine, of Canadian descent but a naturalized American citizen, has been asked to just play his matches and spend a lot of time off-court at Easton’s Beach throughout the duration of the hostilities at the request of both nations.
Despite the current tactical superiority of the Americans, the Canadians insist upon the implementation of the nefarious plan next week to exact poetic justice on the 200th anniversary of the unlawful US encroachment. Still suffering from stiff hangovers from yesterday’s nationwide Canada Day celebrations, they march on more determined than ever.
They’ve even resorted to psychological warfare, including the re-release of this embarrassing and demoralizing 2009 photo of the American Admiralty in a compromising position. That photo was taken by Justin Gimelstob, who posted it on twitter and who is currently being detained in Fort Meade, Maryland awaiting a court-martial.
Like its predecessor two centuries ago, this war will be chaotic and intense, but unlike the conflict of 1812, it will not end in a stalemate. Wars can be confusing and disappointing, like draws in soccer. The men in these battles will not enjoy that kind of luxury, as only one nation’s warrior will lay claim to the Van Alen Cup.